there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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