She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
