Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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