DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
