theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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