this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
