Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I know her cup size but not her name....
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