i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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