So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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