Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
