You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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