If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
