The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
