The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
