didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
