so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
