you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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