Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
