my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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