I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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