my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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