Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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