Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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