2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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