Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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