the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
