I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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