you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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