Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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