Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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