So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
