Are we in a gay sports bar?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
