Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
