i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
