I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
