I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
