Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
