so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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