this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
