I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Redeem this text for a blowjob
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
