So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Randomize
