I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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