Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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