I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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