are you so shy because you have an std?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
