The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
