god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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