you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
