Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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