need another drink. this is the easiest way
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
