I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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